Imaginary Questions and the Relevance of Things

A lady sitting next to me in the waiting room of Aotea Pathology is browsing the Dominion Post. Lady Gaga, always upbeat, buzzes through the radio speakers. I smile - I’ve read that paper front to back. 
As I sit here, the question as to what really is relevant wanders my mind. The media that paints our world in all its (perhaps darker) colors has just been deconstructed in front of my eyes. 

Just as the diagnosis made me question what really matters, I wonder what really matters in the world,  who controls what really matters. After spending a whole morning tearing apart the term “news,” I’m no longer sure.

By the second day of the “Diploma in Multimedia Journalism” at Whitireia, we have begun delving into questions about how the world around us is generated and defined. I’ve been surprised and impressed by the overall caliber of the course and it’s students. It is clear they have deliberately chosen a diverse group of backgrounds to compose their student body. One student is a professional photographer, another has a philosophy degree, and another studied design and another business - I could go on.

An attempted self-haircut

Back to the waiting room. I imagine striking up a conversation with the lady on page 4. “Should National be able to get away with labeling quantitative easing “printing money” in the media, just to screw over the Green party?” I envisage asking. “Do you think the G8 referring the Syrian issue to Geneva stresses or downplays the importance of the situation? Isn’t it ridiculous that the fact that the US NATO forces finally handed over power today and it only got a tiny column at the back of the newspaper...?"

“Bethany, please;” a well-dressed man looks around the room. My mouth is stuffed with last night’s leftovers. I speed up my chewing and swallow. “Oh, yep, that’s me,” I smile at him. 

This week’s jab isn’t too bad – I brave looking down this time and see the blood spurting into the two regular orange and purple tubes. The needle pinches as it slides out and I’m all taped up, ready to head back to class.

We assemble back around the desks for class. I tug my sleeve down over the white surgical tape to cover my secret. Each Tuesday the waiting room will be my lunchroom, and I’m okay with that. 

And now, sitting here in this classroom I wonder again what is relevant – is news itself even relevant for everyone? 

When I was bound to the bed in the IC unit with a catheter in my bladder and face wrapped in bandages, did Peter Dunne’s blunders really matter?

You and I

Dear Mum,

You’ve just asked me when I am going to write a “nice blog about you”. That’s fair. I suppose it is about time isn’t it? Lately things have been up and down between us, so I suppose now is the time to write this. Not only write something, but also explore in the best way I am able – words – this fragile relationship of a bond that began in the womb, here in Wellington, 22 years ago.

Breaker Bay, 1991

“Congratulations” is commonly said to people that decide to get engaged to be married. We both think this is a little strange don’t we? Congratulating someone for deciding to be the lifelong partner of another when it’s such a personal decision. However, I do believe “congratulations” is a fitting word for successfully raising two children on your own, and this is most certainly a great, if not the greatest, achievement in life. It overwhelms me sometimes to think of this journey we have been on together since we last lived in Wellington in that little dark flat by the crashing, cold waves of Breaker bay.

You did everything for us. Gave everything for us. Sure, you didn’t hug us much, but you showed us the joy of a stormy day at the beach, the thrill of biking down a long country road, the warmth of the fire of a hut on the mountain as a storm rages outside, and always, always the value of health. You provided and fostered a love for delicious healthy food and relishing the outdoors, and you consistently led by example. We were always the ‘healthy’ ones of all our mates – there was no other way; it made sense. We treated our bodies and minds with the respect you taught us they deserved.

And now you have to sit in your car and watch a family of young children saunter across the road in front of you with bright blue sugary, caffeinated drinks, and think “I would never give that to my kids”…and yet your kid has cancer. “Unexplained” cancer. It’s not fair, is it?

It must be so much harder for you than it is for me. You told me at that restaurant in Seattle with a tear in your eye (yes, one!) that you would take it from me upon yourself in an instant. That you did everything you could to protect us and it didn’t work. Of course, I scoffed at that, saying that it’s my challenge and I can do this, I’ll take it on for myself thank you very much…

… But you know, having the cancer is the easy part. The hard part is having to watch your daughter; the daughter that you fed from your breast, took for a first haircut, and watched almost drown with horror as you sat bleeding on a jagged rock thinking only of her, sit in a cancer day ward smile to cover the grimace as the needle pierces her hand. The hardest part is to know that all you did and gave wasn’t quite enough to protect your precious daughter. It’s to hear her tell you when you wake that she was up in the night vomiting alone, refusing to tell anyone, and know that her staunchness comes from you. It’s easy for me, in a way. I just have to go for the ride. The only guilt I must battle is the one of the burden I now put upon those I love.

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to come to understand that there is another person in the world (apart from dad) that loves me as much as you do. How could that be? You are the one who raised me; you are the one who has been there the whole time! But mum, at some point I hope and plead that you will come to appreciate the family I have now chosen.

James is my inspiration, my partner and buddy in everything. He is the one that makes me smile and laugh every evening. He is the one I dream with and make plans with, and it is a future with him that I am living for. His dedication to me is overwhelming and his love for me carries me through. He lifts me up when I need it, and vice versa. You must understand this. I admire and am inspired by his goodness, his ability to take on challenges and his drive to succeed while helping others. I know you see your differences, which of course there are, but it breaks my heart that you are not able to see and be excited for the utter joy and love we have. You both want the best for me and it’s quite obvious, but sometimes it’s okay for people to have different views of what is best. Aside from having a different, more scientific educational background, love also drives him and he also only wants the best for me. I am privileged to call James my family and I think you should be too.

We will always have a special bond, and you will always understand me in ways that no one else does – for this is the bond of a mother and daughter. It won’t and can’t come under jeopardy, as it is based on not only a lifetime of formative experience but also an actual, physical bond that nothing can ever take away. I’m delighted for you that you have found a man that compliments you perfectly and is endearingly supportive, fun and kind. It matters so much to me that you are happy, so much. I can’t help but care and it’s always been that way with us, hasn’t it? Even when I would sit in the bathroom with you and chat with you about how your boyfriend at the time wasn’t great for you, I cared. When I would come up for breakfast in the morning and share with you what I had learnt from my various philosophy books the night before, I cared. Please, don’t forget that. Please, let us remember that each other’s happiness is paramount and although your little girl has grown up and gone in search of her own happiness, she will always be your girl. No matter if she goes off into the world and loves and is loved deeply by another, she will always be able to read your facial expressions and understand why you get the giggles. She will always be beside you sharing private jokes and common understanding, because that is what we have.

I love you. 

Excuses, Excuses...

Look what I just found!

"People who have had chemo and have problems with thinking, memory, or concentration often call it chemo brain or chemo-fog. Some people report having these symptoms even before they start treatment. Others report it even though they haven’t had chemo." - The American Cancer Society

So I admit I was out searching for academic verification of chemotherapy making me more emotional when I stumbled upon this alleged "chemo-fog". Who would have thought?!

No seriously though, does this stuff not make people more emotional? It's something I would have scoffed at, but now I'm in it, I'm starting to wonder. It's been amazing, embarrassing and annoying, this 'being emotional' thing. It's like it's a roller-coaster that I can't get off. 

Today we were at the table discussing whether James and I will move out, and mid-conversation I had the overwhelming sense that the world wasn't appreciating James and seeing how incredible he is! What to do when one has a sudden rush of admiring and loving emotion for a person? Naturally, one bursts into tears of course. 

Even writing that almost brings tears to my eyes, as it reminds me of just how lucky I am to have such a capable, wise, creative and inspiring man by my side and I just can't handle it, I just want to tell the world!

That's ridiculous right??

Oh, who cares. Bring on the fog and all its flying colors of emotion and love and messiness!

What do I believe?

Okay Pete, here it is. I believe (not in order and certainly not limited to):

1. Humans are born mouldable and essentially neutral, however due to our shared humanity, we have or develop intrinsic morality. We are not inherently evil.
   
   
2. 'Everything' doesn't 'happen for a reason,' but if the right environment and need is created by our own desires and actions, things do happen for reasons.
   
   
3. Words have lasting power.
   
   
4. The summum bonum of life is happiness; happiness is God; God is love; love is happiness.
   
   
5. No religion is 100% wrong or 100% right; all contain some form of 'truth' – and these are often the shared elements between them.
   
   
6. Great love and great achievements involve great risk.
   
   
7. Human beings are mammals, however we are at the top of the food chain and are higher cognitive beings, and responsibility for the care of (and destruction of) the earth is ours.
   
   
8. Beauty surrounds us – we only have to look.
   
   
9. Each person is acting and speaking from the expression of their enculturation, upbringing and experience.
   
   
10. Most decisions are either driven by love and/or fear.
    
    
11. Nothing in our lives or in this world is fixed or permanent - the only thing certain is change.
    
    
12. The joy of giving is greater than that of receiving.
    
    
13. Meditation is the path to self-understanding, eventually inner peace, and perhaps enlightenment.
    
    
14. The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
    
    
15. Death is important to reflect upon, in doing so we may remember that life is not a guarantee and we must not take it for granted.
    
    
16. The state of our mind affects the state of our physical bodies, and the health and vitality of our body affects our mental state – it is all an interconnected system.
    
    
17. Now is all there is.
    
    
18. We can only truly love another when we first love ourselves, otherwise we will simply be seeing in another a reflection and will draw energy from one another rather than mutually give.
    
    
19. Everything in this world is made of atoms; atoms are mostly space and energy; everything is therefore mostly space and energy.
    
    
20. Humans evolved over a long period of time, driven by some force (be it Love, Energy, Gaia, God, Allah, or simply the energy of Nature, all are similar in essence).
    
    
21. We have a duty to our fellow mankind, to help those in need and alleviate suffering to the capacity we are able.
    
    
22. Selfishness is not necessarily 'bad'. However, many selfish actions and attitudes can be hurtful to others, and it as a race with consciousness and the ability to empathize, these can be considered 'bad'.
    
    
23. Sex is good, it is at once sacred and simply a physical act.

24. Everyone loves to feel loved, and to be loved, whether outwardly acknowledged or not.
    
    
25. “Though you travel the world over to find the beautiful, you must carry it within you or you find it not.”
    
    
26. Likewise, though you travel the world over to find happiness, you must discover it within you or you find it not.

***

This was a tough challenge to think and write out. As you may have realized, I was asked to think about 'what I believe'. It's not often I sit down and really think about the precepts and tenets I am constantly acting and speaking from. Doing this has made me realize that so much of what I do is guided by concepts developed from an amalgamation of experiences and influences; I am following these 'rules of life' unconsciously.

I believe Aaron will win Masterchef.

Looking back through these 'beliefs', I also realize that almost all are using universal quantifiers. Is it not hard to write a belief without lumping everyone into the belief? I suppose it's important to keep in mind that all have “I believe” in front of them. If I believe it, can it be contested? It's hard, as we are so programmed out of using “I” in universities! Perhaps it will help if I add one other thing I believe:

I believe everyone's reality - everyone's world - is different. One's truth is not necessarily another's truth.

There. That's better. I guess I also now believe that anyone who has beliefs, which is everyone, should be aware of what they believe and why. A person most certainly doesn't have to be 'spiritual' or follow a religion to have beliefs, and just as I would expect someone who follows a specific doctrine to know exactly what it is that they let dictate their lives and interactions, the rest of us should lead by example and know what we believe.

Knowing this, we are able to have guidelines that will undoubtedly lead us to becoming the person we would like to be. Upon reflection, if my 'beliefs' guide all my actions, then I would be one very pleasant, happy person all the time! So why do I act contrary to what I believe? Now that's the hard question.  

...and learn and learn and learn.

I suppose the benefit and curse of modern technology is that anything we write remains. Sure – paper remains, but I’ve always found it’s a lot easier to rip up, burn or simply discard a journal than to click the ominous, eternal, ‘delete’ button.

So here I am at the beginning, back when I was about to embark on my walkabout around the world. I was in Southeast England staying with some friends of Guy’s, and was after a book to read. Randomly pulling a book from the overflowing bookshelves, I opened to the following reflection:

“Hold still and listen

The faint and distant rhythm that is your own

and follow and follow and follow

until you recognize yourself in your step

Settle into your own relieved body

and follow and follow and follow

Until you know yourself once more

and remember

Until you vow to yourself to never get lost again

that with each adventure out into the world

you will come home to yourself

and rest”

- Jane Pujji, from 'follow yourself home'

At this point the extent of the adventure I was undertaking was completely unknown to my dreaming, audacious nineteen-year-old soul. And yet I found myself sitting alone, contemplating and writing on how travel is really only about “recognizing yourself in your step” – coming to know your own self no regardless of location or situation.

“I wonder who to follow; where to look.” I pondered in my journal back then. “It's amazing how situational we have become - how much we attribute external situation with happiness despite learning time and time again that happiness is not bound by situation, but with our state of consciousness. It's the age old “when I make it I'll be happy" that persists, despite out constant experiential learning of its utter fallibility… I am searching for fulfillment in the world, yet fulfillment will only be found now, whoever and whenever I am. It's such a simple principle and we all know it…”

Reading this now, after all that has happened since, makes me realize just how long it takes to truly learn something. As I explore the depths of my journals from my world travels from just two years ago (it feels like so much longer!), I notice many things that I reflected upon then that I have really only recently come to learn. And even then, I recognize that I still hadn't learnt such a simple principle that I had no doubt encountered many times before.

***

It took being brought to my knees; shaking as I learned to walk again with a walking frame and nurses at my side, being spoon fed soft foods as I painfully swallowed, and having to live again under a parents roof and depend on others to be driven around…to vow that, with each adventure out into the world, I will come home to my self, and rest.

***

The Jesuits say, "Give me a child for his first seven years and I'll give you the man." They understand that in the first seven years, humans are being molded; are being programmed. From that point onward however, how do we re-program ourselves? It sure is a lot more difficult. We have to learn, and learn, and learn again until the knowledge passes from our conscious mind to subconscious. But how?

It’s a question I’ve been grappling with lately. How do I maintain the lessons I have learnt recently, the new passions and understandings, the new ability to be in touch with my emotions? How do I combine these with my previous strength and independence? How do I put into place, finally, these things that I have had to learn, learn and learn again?

A picture text to James from the hospital

James and I talked about this recently, and he gave the example of something simple that we learn a few times in life in different ways depending on our stage. “Attitude is everything” was the example. At five, a child hears this and takes it to be a lesson in being friendly to his or her classmates and teacher. A teen may hear it and try to apply it to a rocky home life or friendships in order to save them. Then again, a young professional may hear it and realize, “wow, it's so true yet so simple – my attitude at work really is everything. If only everyone else understood this!”. And then, on a day like today, I will be sitting in a cafe with an intelligent man who will ask me directly "well, is it everything? What exactly is it?"

The old adages prove themselves over and over to have so many more meanings than we know at this point in our lives. I suppose instead of fighting that or trying to learn everything at once, the key is to always be open to learning new things. Instead, we can simply be committed to the continual improvement of ourselves, our environment and the lives of those around us. This weeks exploration, among other things, will involve thinking about what I really believe. What 'beliefs' am I basing my life upon? Here's a first belief -  we won't learn it all at once, but we will learn, learn, and learn again for the remainder of our journey on this earth.