Fear and creating a life here

I’ve jumped out of a plane again.

Much to the disappointment of my parents – who thought I had given up that reckless habit – I jumped as soon as I physically could.

In a skydive you have to trust the air, trust the gear, but most importantly, trust yourself. Your life is in your hands, and only yours.

I haven’t got to the point yet where I feel fearless on the ride up, but I was surprised by how natural it felt to throw myself out after twenty months bound to the ground.

Yet the bright lights of Wellington twinkle and I am afraid.

Up until now, I’ve been hiding in my hole up in Cluny lodge. It was safe, comfortable and nurturing. That existence understood that I was ‘sick’, and therefore less able to be adjectives such as “fun”, “adventurous” and the like.

There was always something. Some reason to be different, some reason to stay in my safe little hideaway. First it was recovery from brain surgery, then IVF, then radiation sapping my energy, then chemotherapy.

But now what?

I find myself living with my incredible husband in a little studio in a city called Wellington, the capital city of New Zealand - a city with a soul and a mind. Yet I find myself feeling alone, feeling old and worn. Yes, even introverts can feel alone.

Hang on a minute – old and worn?! Bethany, you’re twenty-one for God’s sake! Have you not you just learnt that life is precious, that it may expire at any time, that every moment is a gift to be grabbed and lived to the fullest and fanciest?

Let me begin the next chapter by deeply apologising to you if you have viewed me as a valiant heroine fearlessly kicking the ass out of cancer. I’m far from it.

I’ve been afraid, stumbling along the road of life and following its twists and turns because there are no other roads to take.

The journey is certainly not over. 

***

So, enough theorising. I went to Adrenalin Forest with James and his workmates over the weekend, and had fun. 

Yes, fun! Is it strange that someone my age is having to make goals to have fun?! Well, that's what I'm doing. With my lack of excuses and increases in energy, I am going to share my goals. It's a little scary making them public...but for the sake of holding myself accountable to fun, I'm trusting you with them.

- Learn to be an acrobat with Leonela
- Learn to Poledance (have already taken one class) - make a friend
- Take an art class and make a friend there
- Have dinner with at least one girlfriend every week
- Have a glass of wine with dinner every night
- Dance with James each day
- Read fiction for pure enjoyment - always have a book on the go.