The old crackly ones were always my favourites. The way they would
tickle my body, removing any remaining cells that didn’t belong. It was the
best form of exfoliation – so much better than all those products with little
exfoliating bits in them and fake scents that they charged way too much for.
All you need is a nice, old crusty towel.
Those newer towels were always last left in our clean towel pile. They
just didn’t feel good; they didn’t itch itches or exfoliate skin in a
delightful way. And to make matters worse, they always felt wet straight away.
Gross.
Then, there are some towels that are rough on one side, smooth on the
other.
I used the smooth side today, and even those annoyingly-wet-feeling
smooth fibres seemed to grate and cut my skin, making me scrunch my eyes a
little and once again, silently swallow the pain.
That’s what the chemo has done lately. It’s made me make drastic life
changes like changing to soft towels. It’s made sitting on the toilet become
something that makes me gasp, despite needing to do it more often. My arms
shake as I lever myself out of bed in the morning.
And the other day, it won. I was beat, as I woke after a sleepless night
covered in itchy red rashes. I finally gave in and took a day off class. The
nurse had no idea why, but wasn’t surprised. Nothing is surprising with
chemotherapy. It does as it pleases.
The rashes have gone away now, but I now understand what creates the air
of sympathy and pity that surrounds chemo.
Chemotherapy will soon be viewed as archaic, and people will no longer
have to go through it. Doctors will remorsefully admit they administered it,
and people like me will be regarded as some of chemotherapy’s last victims.
I have always been a dreamer, and tended to change my life plan every
few months and be passionately pursuing it until the new idea. Perhaps I need
to dream again, to make a plan. But to be honest, even to remain a functioning member
of society takes effort and so I just have to focus on getting through this,
day by day, moment by moment.
And I just have to suck it up use the smooth towels, for now.
