There are
certain things we know consciously, and a whole lot more we know. The two can even conflict with one
another at times -
I know the tumour I had typically comes
back in five to twelve years, and that I am never technically healed from cancer,
living in an unknown state of remission.
However, I also know that odds can be
defied, that the power of the human spirit can conquer physical ailments and
disease.
As I fell apart
in front of him, James gently reminded me last night that I have recently been
letting the burden of expecting to live a normal successful life weigh me down.
With all the
love I have ever seen in a human’s eyes (it humbles me), he noted that I’ve
been planning for a ‘regular’ career path. “Think about what you want to do in
your life, and take action,” he said.
“If, in five
years, the tumour comes back, do you want to have lived 100% of your life by
that point, or just 5%? It’s not that I think it will, but you have to keep it
in your mind as a possibility. You can’t just live in denial of it.”
It was my lover
who has been the spark in reminding me what I already knew, but had forgotten. He
reminded me that life is ephemeral; we never know how long we have, or which
precious moments we may miss the joy of fully experiencing.
It’s an
interesting dichotomy, choosing between believing I will conquer this thing and
harnessing my confidence in the future to do so, or letting cancer be a
reminder of the impermanence of life.
On one hand, the
power of positive imagery is certainly something I know, albeit subconsciously a lot of the time. Mental projections
of a long and happy future surely can’t be bad, right...?
That’s what I’ve
thought, up until today. However I’ve noticed that because of this belief, I’ve
been slipping into a thought pattern that is afraid, that plans and waits, that
thinks getting a typical journalist’s newsroom job could be a ‘good starting
place’ for a career.
The other option
may not sound so positive, in fact, it may seem mildly depressing. However when
I feel it - feel the affect it has on
me - it feels exciting and healing.
If you only had
five years, what would you do differently?
This question
has been turning over in my mind today, thanks to the timely reminder I had
last night.
I would love, give,
write, forgive, and be grateful. I would take more risks. I wouldn’t work in a
low-paying, high stress job - financially, I would work to build assets for James
and I (and our family) rather than rely on an income. I would share what I have
learned. I would live more in the present moment, because that is the only life
I have left.
Interestingly, I
picked up an old diary of mine this morning as I woke with the light streaming
in. In it was written a New Year’s resolution from a couple of years ago -
To love unboundedly
Live consciously
Breathe slowly
Feel passionately
Know deeply
Listen wholeheartedly
Move freely
Speak sincerely
Laugh wholly
Grow constantly
…this I had
forgotten. It’s so easy to forget.
It’s time to
remember the fragility of time, the value of each moment, and forget fear.
