February 4, 2013 | Tit for Tat

This blog is inspired by Nina, the main character in Offspring (the TV series mum and I are currently watching). When everything in her life was going wonderfully, she imagined that perhaps a bomb would fall from the sky and land on her. Do we live in equilibrium? Logically, I have never believed this, but I think on some level most of us think that life can’t go well for extended periods of time without something good happening or vice versa.

I write this as I am sitting here feeling fabulous, while I am ‘supposed’ to be feeling bad. Radiation has passed the halfway mark in week four. Yes, radiation to the brain is cumulative in it’s effects and I may well be regretting saying this soon, but I have to be honest and say that I worry that when James gets back in a few days time, I won’t be feeling as wonderful physically as I have for the last few weeks (By ‘wonderful’ I mean normal). I would love to have just a few days with him side-effect free, yet perhaps I should give up this dream for now and reserve it for after all this is over.

It’s that “supposed to” word that is strange there, though. No way, I don’t have to be miserable and in pain until this is over! I won’t be. The fact that the road trip we were on last November (that could have been labelled “the road trip from hell”) was still fun despite four different hospitals and the worst pain I have ever experienced, and walking out with a diagnosis of a brain tumor was still a blast gives me hope. It’s completely possible to enjoy life when in physical discomfort, provided it is not unbearable.

In my meditation class just down the road last night they were talking about how we can create our own happiness within regardless of external circumstances, my mind was racing with disagreement. While I agree that a majority of the time the common cold can be halted by the power of the mind, cancer is different, and whenever someone says something nice and airy fairy like, “you create you own reality” I can’t help but wonder if they’ve had an ailment (not ‘illness’) such as this. Probably not.

Back to the equilibrium thing. Yes, I do believe that the greatest challenges have the greatest rewards. But as we all know, there’s whole lot of choice left out of this equation. If you are happy in your life, you probably deserve it and have created it. I feel like I’m balancing on thin ice saying that I am truly happy at the moment, as I would feel like a fraud if I say that and then in a few days time am feeling down about some pain that nags my body. And then I remember that happiness is external from all that. It’s hard to express to everyone just how bursting with joy I have felt lately, as they assume I must be in agony constantly (I’m not blaming anyone for this – it’s sweet). I’ve been learning about how the quality of our lives is so much more of a choice than I ever thought it was, despite knowing that already at some level.

A ‘bomb’ did drop on Nina – her apartment burnt down. However, the handsome man she is with who treats her beautifully suggested they move in together, so all is well. Good will come from this. It has already. 

Here's my new hairstyle - thank you to the NZ government for giving $2300 for wigs and hair accessories!