April 3, 2013 | To Jen

Oh Jen…

Here I am. You’ve caught me in a good time to write to you, because I’m feeling shitty. I know that’s a weird thing to say, but I know when I’m feeling good I have a tendency to glaze over things and tell you that life is wonderful and fabulous and every moment sparkles with the sheer joy of being alive.

But you deserve more than that. 

No, I am alone in this house I don't feel at home in, staring at my computer, and I had to force myself to open it to do things because all I really feel like doing is lying on the nice, big, fluffy rug. 

I know I should listen to music or something to uplift my spirits and chase away the silence that surrounds me, but honestly, I can’t be bothered getting up to get headphones or turn the stereo on.

So, silence it is. Sprinkle in some distant car and chainsaw sounds, people preparing for winter. Ralph just barked. Little laptop keys tip-tapping away to you. A bird just sang – they like to do that. (Yeah, I just said that.)

The ‘sickness’ I feel from chemo is so hard to describe. Usually when I’ve had something wrong with me in the past it was something you can put words to, you know? Like a sore stomach, or head, or itchy something-or-other, queasiness, or period cramps… but this is so hard to describe. My body just feels worn out, like it’s falling apart. It's an assortment of little complaints (the very word makes me wince): aching jaw when I eat, a bit of a headache when I move my head, some light sensitivity, feeling nauseous with sudden movement, tingly fingers, slightly yet eternally sore muscles, always being a little tired, mouth stinging from anything acidic, sensitive teeth. 
But everything is so minor they're not worth complaining about. So shitty will have to do as a descriptor. 

James is at work today – it’s his first day. Yes, he got a job!!!! I can’t explain how excited I am for him. It’s hurt me to see his frustration in being idle and not having a social life here. It hurts me because I see it’s hard for him, but I think the worst part might be my guilt. I’ve watched his struggle and my mind whispers to me “this is your fault”. Constantly. I don’t know what to do to remedy it sometimes. Being positive doesn’t seem to work, because who wants someone being smiley and upbeat when you’re feeling frustrated? It just makes me seem annoying and insensitive. I just don’t know what else to do or how else to be.

I got distracted. Sorry. I was talking about his job and thinking about when he didn’t have it. It’s so silly to mope about the past isn’t it? But so easy to do. Anyway, why I’m so excited about this job is that it’s his first serious job if you don’t include restaurants. I mean, not that I think hospitality isn’t very important (it is!), but I’ll admit to being a bit relieved that he’s not working late nights/early mornings, especially full time. He is working for the Ministry of Business, Innovation and Employment in the IT department as a Project Analyst, which sounds super technical but they say the most important thing is people skills, which fortunately enough he’s got! It’s not minimum wage either (minimum is $14.50 an hour here, so do come!), which is sweet, and there’s room to grow. Ooh, I’m so happy for him!

It made me so warm and fuzzy inside when you told me you had got to know James a lot better when he came back last time. It makes me think back to that time in Togo when we were staying in that weird house in Accra at the start of the whole thing, and you told me you were unsure about him not because you didn’t like him, but that you couldn’t help being protective of me. I get that. But I’m so glad you were finally able to experience how fabulous he is, and how you really can trust him to take good care of me while not taking me away from you and my friends. Well, I guess I am away from you and friends. :(

Did I tell you I have some friends here now? You can probably count them all on one hand, but still, it’s an improvement! James and I had a dinner party last weekend, and I can’t begin to explain how lovely it was. We had over Joe, an old family friend (he was one of the two brothers I was supposed to marry, but he's into boys so there’s a pursuit saved, haha!), and another couple of girls with a boyfriends who were from New Plymouth and are in the theatre world here. 

I didn’t really know them in sweet little NP, but I prefer being able to start afresh and not have to deal with fleeing the remnants of my old self. That's probably why I'm not in contact with many folks from the hometown. It was Easter weekend (well, obviously, you know that part) so we cooked a massive meal for them, and set up an Easter egg hunt around the house for between courses. We had the fire crackling and all sat around with wine on the rug by the fire…

Yeah, that nice big fluffy rug!! I just went and had a lie on it and talked to Kot (who is sad she didn’t get to say goodbye to you) on Skype (which we will have to do)…oh what a nostalgic, heart-aching day! I may talk about how much I enjoy dinner parties with new friends, but nothing can compare to the friendships I had in Moscow. I miss feeling like I’m part of a community. Talking of Moscow, you must have left by now… tell me all about it! How do you feel?

I know feelings are so fickle, but I think sometimes in our distrust of them we can overlook how much wisdom they actually contain. Like, if something doesn’t ‘feel’ right, it probably isn’t right, you know what I mean. Probably more than I do, as you’ve always been far more in tune with yourself and your feelings than I have. How does it feel being back with family? I wish it were as easy as it seems like it should be. On the surface, and to other people, it may look like it would be super easy for someone our age to re-integrate our selves back with our parents, but it’s not exactly an "aaaah, so good to be back" experience. It feels like it takes more effort to be ourselves, the selves we spent the last few years getting to know. I wish you and your lovely parents all the best (I miss them!).

Talking of family, how is Molly? You know, I have always thought of her and care about her. Like you with Aden! Who, I must tell you, is getting on fabulously in Stratford, as much as he can. I love him for the person he is and has become. I love that he catches up with dad all the time. In a book I was reading the other day (which you will like and relate to, it’s called ‘Sister’ by Rosamund Lupton) the older sister realizes that although she had always thought she was being the ‘responsible sibling’ by going off to the US and being the over-achiever, she realizes that her younger sister, an aspiring hippy artist who stayed near her parents, was really the one who was taking on the burden (in a good sense) of their parents. I can see now that it's not intrinsically glamorous to take off into the world. 

It’s funny how so often what society views as ‘success’ can be at odds with familial bonds. It's a great big balancing act, isn't it - happiness, values, community, success...

Anyway, I’ve been rambling. Sorry for talking so much. There’s just not much else I feel like doing today to be honest. I hope you will forgive me for posting this publicly. I know you said to me that I should be totally honest with you and say things I wouldn’t say on my blog, but as I was writing this I realized that this is just what I want to be sharing with people. I want to write honestly, in fact don't really see the point in anything otherwise, yet it's a struggle not to put on a brave face, and you know it. You’ve helped me immensely, in so many ways.

I love you and I miss you,

B.

P.S. Here is a picture I thought you would find funny. I saw it on the wall of a fish n' chip shop. I've been trying to do some push ups every day so this is what I look like!!!